I can’t believe it’s been almost 4 months since I delivered Tatum. It feels like just yesterday I was super pregnant and going in for my induction. Motherhood has been the most rewarding experience so far and I absolutely love it. I love Tatum with everything I have and I am so excited to continue sharing my experience being a mom!
The best parts
Watching her grow
Watching Tatum grow is so bittersweet. Of course I miss holding my tiny newborn baby, but watching her become more interactive has been so sweet. She has learned to smile, coo, play peek-a-boo, and laugh. It is the best feeling ever when I go to see her for the first time in the morning and she just looks up from her crib smiling at me!
My love for her
Of course I loved Tatum since I found out she existed, but my love for her grows everyday. She is my entire world and I love her so much! I feel like my life has so much more purpose and that I was born to be Tatum’s mom. We have such a strong bond and it is the most special thing.
My relationship with Ryan
When I was pregnant I heard a lot about how difficult having a baby can be on a marriage. I am sure this can be more challenging later on, but so far watching Ryan become a dad is the best. He is so good with her and our relationship is different but in the best way.
How everything has been "easier" than I expected
I really tried to go into motherhood with little expectations other than knowing it would be difficult but that I would enjoy it. I feel like I had heard so many horror stories and negative experiences about the first few months so I was prepared for it to be very difficult. I know I’m only a few months in, but so far becoming a mom has been a great experience. I am very fortunate that this was a planned pregnancy, that both Tatum and I are healthy, and that I have financial and emotional support because I know that not everyone has those things. I will also say I feel like I have gotten lucky with an amazing baby that sleeps (for the most part… once we figured out her gas and reflux situations). So of course if the circumstances were different, my experience may not have been as positive.
I truly do believe pregnancy and working night shift prepared me for the sleep deprivation – I don’t feel sick anymore, I don’t feel nauseous, I’m tired but it’s nothing like being pregnant and working full time night shift tired. I feel like I got a wave of adrenaline and energy that carried me through the first few months (or maybe it was the fact that I wasn’t working…) However I am getting more tired being back at work now that my maternity leave is up but it is still significantly better than working while being pregnant.
Life is actually more fun and joyful
I remember walking through Target with Tatum in the baby carrier when she was 2 months old. We walked past this one lady who turned to her friend and said, “I don’t miss those days… I don’t miss the baby stage.” I didn’t take it personally but it did make me feel a little sad because I already know I will miss these days so much.
If anything I feel like my life is more fun. I am so happy hanging out with her and I want to spend as much time with her as I can. Ryan and I decided we would still take her places with us – we took her to DC for the first time last week and had so much fun. We visited the botanical gardens and Tatum loved it! It is so sweet watching her explore the world. I feel like having a child also gives us a reason to get out more too. I didn’t even start going for daily walks until Tatum was born, and now it’s one of my favorite parts of the day. Overall I am so much happier and find so much joy in even simple things everyday.
What's been the most difficult
Managing her reflux and gas
No parent wants to see their child in pain and unfortunately Tatum has been struggling with reflux and gas since the first month. She had all the classic symptoms like spitting up a ton after each feed and even more frequently, extra fussiness, not sleeping, and bad gas. We currently have her on Pepcid for the reflux and simethicone and probiotic drops for her gas. I also had to cut out dairy from my diet. It took about two weeks to notice a difference but I could tell it helped a lot – there was even one day after that where I had a latte with cow’s milk and she had such a hard time the following two days. In a way I was glad I had it, because it made me realize that the dairy was in fact a huge contributor to her issues and I wasn’t cutting it out for no reason (it wasn’t fun for me to cut out cheese and milk! lol). She is doing significantly better overall but still spits up some, especially if I feed her too frequently or have even a tiny bit of dairy.
Going back to work
Returning to work has been very difficult on both myself and Tatum. Although a few friends did warn me it would be tough, nothing could have fully prepared me for just how sad it would be. Since I work night shift, I figured I would not be missing much. However by the time I went back to work she was still waking up throughout the night to feed. We had spent almost all of our time together the first 10 weeks of her life. On a few occasions, I had been away from her for several hours at a time but my first night back at work was the first time I was away from her for an entire night. I didn’t get to feed and rock her to sleep. I wasn’t there to comfort her when she woke up throughout the night. It was a really, really hard night for me, Tatum, and my mom and Ryan who were at the house with her. I made it until 4am when I ended up bursting into tears at work. It was one of the saddest nights of my life. The next day when I got home from work was possibly even harder – I cried SO much. I remember crying in my bed holding Tatum and telling my family how I never wanted to go back.
Thankfully it has gotten SO much easier, even just after the first night. It also helps now that she is sleeping through the night, so I don’t feel like I am missing as much. However it is still sad and many nights I wish I could just quit my job and stay home with her all the time. Luckily I will be switching to part time next week, which means I will be working 2 nights per week instead of 3. I knew for while I wanted to eventually go part time but it wasn’t until after Tatum was born that Ryan got on board with my plan. We both agreed it would be the best option for our family.
How fast time goes by
It’s crazy how fast time flies by when you’re a parent. It’s so bittersweet. I want her to grow and become more independent, but I want her to stay teeny tiny at the same time. I worry I’ll forget all the little moments – rocking her to sleep, snuggling with her, feeding her… I wish I could just bottle up all the moments to go back to in the future. I try to enjoy every day as much as possible and soak it all in!
Maintaining friendships
I knew maintaining friendships would be more difficult once Tatum was born. Family has become much more important to me this past year, and I do find myself consistently prioritizing family over friendships. It’s been difficult too with Ryan working 15 hours on the weekdays and various times on the weekends and with me working nights and occasionally weekends. Sometimes we will go several days in a row without seeing each other. So when we both happen to be off from work, we want to spend the time together as a family.
I am also 26 and although I felt it was the right time for me to have a baby, most of my friends don’t have children yet. I didn’t want that to be a reason to wait to start having kids. As I predicted, I do find those friendships the hardest to maintain. My time is feels much more valuable than it used to. I have zero desire to go out drinking on the weekends. My life is different now and I’m okay with that. I fully enjoy spending most of my time at home, taking care of my daughter.
On the other side, my friendships with my mom friends have become even stronger, and I have been able to make new friendships as well. I think it’s so important to be friends with at least a few moms because they are the ones who are the most understandable and relatable.
The stress of possibly more children
Since I had Tatum I have gotten a lot of questions regarding future children. Of course my main focus right now is on her, but it is something to think about. If we want to have more, if we want them close in age, etc. It’s stressful. Part of me feels complete with just one baby but another part of me wants more in the future. Obviously I know it’s not something we don’t have to decide soon, but it is an important decision. My thought process right now is to wait until after I am done breastfeeding Tatum, whenever that may be, and then re evaluate. But ultimately I think we will end up with more!
Keeping up with literally everything else
Whenever my mom visits, I always tell her I don’t need help with the baby, just literally everything else. I get so overwhelmed when the house is messy. I need laundry done so I have clean burp clothes and clothes, I need the floors clean so Tatum has a clean place to play, I need the dishes clean so that I have plates to eat on, I need the bottle and pump parts washed… I get kind of annoyed when people say “the chores can wait” because they can only wait until a certain point. They still need to get done. And I can’t do everything when she’s asleep. I find it’s less overwhelming to tackle as much as I can each day so that it doesn’t pile up. Because if I go even one day without cleaning, I will have twice the mess the next day and that’s when it gets even more stressful. I also feel judged for this sometimes… like I’m doing something wrong by wanting to keep a clean house. But it’s just how I feel and I want a clean space for Tatum to play since we spend so much time here.
Asking for help
There’s only a few people (mostly family) that I feel comfortable asking to help me. I don’t feel like I need any help with Tatum, mostly just with maintaining the house. Luckily several of my friends have been very sweet and have made me food and helped me with cleaning. Even if it’s just a few hours once a month it makes a huge difference.
How breastfeeding is going
Before I gave birth I knew I wanted to at least try to breastfeed, but I had little expectations for my experience. I was hoping it would work out but told myself that if it didn’t, I would not beat myself up about giving her formula. I work on a mother baby unit so I constantly see moms struggle with breastfeeding early on. I did not think it would be something I would enjoy, but because of the benefits I really wanted to be able to give Tatum breastmilk.
The first few nights at home were really hard because she wouldn’t latch, so I had to pump and supplement with formula. Luckily we only had to supplement for a day or so until my milk came in, and ever since I have had an over supply. I ended up needing to use a nipple shield to help with her latch for the first 7 weeks. However since it added a layer between her mouth and my nipple, she was sucking in so much air and it led to her having lots of gas pain. I decided to try to wean us from the nipple shield and it was such a game changer because it helped resolve a lot of her gas issues and made feedings a lot smoother.
If I had written this post 1 or even 2 months in, I would have a very different perspective to share about my experience breastfeeding. Even after I stopped using the nipple shield around 1.5-2 months, Tatum would feed for what felt like forever – every 2 hours and sometimes for an hour straight each feed. I felt like all I was doing was feeding her lol. It wasn’t comfortable, my nipples hurt, and I was always engorged. I kept getting clogged ducts around this time as well. There were several times when I secretly hoped breastfeeding wouldn’t work out so I would have no choice but to give her formula. I have a very low tolerance for physical pain, and initially breastfeeding came with lots of physical pain.
Now we are almost four months in and I can thankfully say our breastfeeding journey has gotten SO much better. I would actually go as far as to say I enjoy it. Tatum has a perfect latch, she doesn’t suck in air, and it isn’t painful for me. She also only takes 5-10 minutes for each feeding, which is so much less time than she used to take. I think it’s been great for bonding for both of us. She knows my scent and I am able to comfort her in ways no one else can, which makes it an even more special experience. I also love all the extra cuddles, even if they were in the middle of the night at first.
I have gotten a lot more comfortable feeding her in public, so I feel like I’m able to take her more places and keep her out for longer. I actually think doing formula would be more difficult at this point, because we would have to constantly wash bottles and purchase formula. With Tatum’s dairy intolerance we would probably need something super specific, and with the formula shortage still going on, I would be nervous we would have issues. So I am very thankful breastfeeding is working out!
Pumping at work has been working well – I work on a mother baby unit and have access to the fancy hospital pumps (which work so much better than the ones I have at home). Early on I was able to figure out a pumping schedule for the nights I work which has helped a lot. I have been feeding Tatum around 6pm every day which is right before I have to leave for work, and then I will pump 3 times while I’m at work, around 10pm, 2am, and 6am. When I get home, I’ll just feed her whenever she eats at her next feed.
I have received several questions about what I’m doing throughout the nights I am home and during the days I work, etc. Since I work night shift I am home with her during the day time. Whenever I am home, I will breastfeed her. I actually prefer it because it’s easier, more enjoyable, and less time consuming than pumping. On the nights I don’t work, I will feed her at our usual time before we do her bedtime routine and then pump again around 10 or 11pm before I go to bed and then whenever she wakes up.
What has helped me as a new mom
Of course becoming a mom comes with challenges and life looks different now. These are a few things that have helped me so far:
-Going on daily walks: I love our family walks so much. It helps that we live in the city because we have so many amazing views and places to walk to. It’s so nice to be able to walk literally anywhere and everything I could need is here. I found it to be much easier to walk places with a baby than drive.
-Getting myself ready each day: I know not everyone feels this way, but when I physically feel and look put together, I feel like I have my life together more. I just feel better overall when I am fully ready. To me, it means getting dressed, putting on make up, and doing my hair even if it means just throwing it up with dry shampoo and a claw clip.
-Having a consistent morning routine: every morning I wake up, feed Tatum, then shower and get myself ready, make my bed, eat breakfast, play with her all before she goes down for her first nap. If there’s something I don’t get to, I will finish it during her nap. It’s nice to have a consistent morning routine so I don’t have to wake up and try to figure out how to start the day. I also feel like this makes me much more productive.
-Accepting help: when my friends or family have offered to help, I have tried to accept it. Even if it’s just a friend coming over for a few hours to do my laundry, it makes a huge difference and I always appreciate it.
-Getting out of the house: even if it’s just a trip to the grocery store, it’s so important to get out of the house. I wish I had started taken Tatum places sooner because I think it would have been good for me to have gotten out more.
-Keeping up with cleaning and decluttering: I consistently try to keep the house clean and declutter extra items we aren’t using. This just makes me feel so much better and less stressed!
A few of our favorite things
These are a few of our favorite things at the moment!
